maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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