guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
