I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize