my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
