I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Randomize
