Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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