everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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