Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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