I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
