I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
