I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
