Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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