I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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