He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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