if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
