if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
