So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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