I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
