I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
