this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
