is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
false alarm, still single
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