I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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