the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
