My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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