It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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