I accidentally had phone sex last night
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
