It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
