I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
