sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
