Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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