he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
