FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
