I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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