remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
