I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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