i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize