even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
