ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
