i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
