I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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