I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
