so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
