Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
