and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
