if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
