I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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