Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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