remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
