it wasn't lemon gatorade
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
