Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
