Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
