my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he was CRYING into my vagina
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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