I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize