I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
