I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize