I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
